To try dig a bit deeper and find more clarity in what God is doing in my life I have decided to start putting my thoughts on record. I will try not to write in a random, scattered manner as I usually do, but maybe in a way that others can actually read and follow.
Oh how my relationship with God has changed! Initially I had no clue what was going on. Everything was happening incredibly fast and felt like I was being rushed and pulled along, dragged forward at incredible speed, everything blurred around me. One moment I was sitting in foundation 1, hopefully concentrating and not just retreating into my head, the next I am apparently giving my life to Jesus and receiving a word of knowledge and wisdom and maybe prophecy. I don’t remember consciously making that decision but I also don’t remember standing at the front and thinking ‘what am I doing here’. It all just happened and I was surrounded by warmth and joy and excitement. Everything just fell into place and 2 weeks later, ‘oh look! I have been baptized . In considering whether or not I knew what I was doing, I realized that either way I had no clue. I don’t think you can really know at the start. Its deep compared to everything else in the world, and some part deep inside of you jumps up and yearns for the connection as if you have been waiting your entire life for this moment. However, consciously it is almost impossible to know what you are doing. Every day God digs deeper in your relationship together, and each time the connection becomes more real and intimate. You realize how little you understood before as you look deeper into the eyes of the Creator.
Is my experience how all people are saved? Dragged through while you haven’t got a clue, everything perfect and easy so nothing gives you reason to turn away, to back out and break Gods heart. That might sound weird. That I believe Gods heart can be broken. The powerhouse of the universe, pumping with glory and immense beyond our imagination. Yet Jesus wept. Jesus experienced. And I feel He brought that experience into the trinity. And when you think how far Jesus went to save us from our sin so that we could connect with Him, not in a half-hearted once-a-week-help-me-lord kind of way, but rather to the point where God’s presence is what we desire above all else.
When we think of what He did, even from our limited grasp, we can only conclude that God’s love for us is universe shattering, and that he desperately wants a real and intimate relationship with us. If He would go that far then He must want that relationship more than anything else. And I believe God feels and experiences on a scale appropriate for Him. I think what we feel is just a fraction compared to how God feels. Considering the depth of His love and sacrifice, how painful must it be for Jesus, when despite all his sacrifice (humbling himself and leaving his perfect relationship with the Father to enter a rotten, stark and broken world firmly in the hands of the enemy. A world filled with pain and anguish that He immersed himself in. Chaos. Darkness. To die a brutal and slow death at the hands of mere humans who refuse to believe. Every drop of the saviors blood, every tear he shed in his physical, emotional and spiritual agony, abandoned by everyone. Alone. Perfect, pure, and holy to filthy, tainted, contaminated, stained, broken by humans. He endured. I could try write that a bit better with more depth or skill, but I will never do it justice so I wont even try). Despite all his sacrifice, everything He did and still does for us, eagerly reaching out, extending his hand, gently knocking on our hearts’ doors, committing his entire heart to us. And we look at him, look at the spark and hope and joy, we look at him and sneer, and turn away.
How could that not snap and shatter his heart. How deeply must that rejection sear at his heart. All that love and we throw it in his face and turn away. I believe that we break Gods heart often and repeatedly, and that unlike humans, his heart doesn’t grow cold. He just keeps hoping and we keep crushing it, grinding his heart and laughing in His face. Our relationship with God seems such a delicate thing. So fragile. We turn away in a heartbeat. We are so blinded that we twist the whole thing, mutilate it until its all about us. Our feelings, what we expect for our lives, what we want God to be and do and how he MUST do things because God must serve us. Yeah, that’s not how it works.
There is so much in our dodgy human nature that God has to rewire and fix so that we can connect with him. Salvation is so much more complex than a prayer and now my life is fixed. It is continual. Its not about heaven and hell. Its about that relationship. That point where God has purified our contaminated hearts and we are able to sit and stare into His eyes in total and complete awe and adoration. The moments of true connection, real, intimate, deep, intense. That’s why Jesus came and died for us. For a love above all else with no competition or equal.
I am not and will never be perfect. None of this is meant as an attack on you or a rebuke of any kind. My intention is only to share what God is presently revealing to me, and He is really showing me how far I still have to go. There is so much more to this relationship, we will keep coming closer, drawing deeper into His embrace, if we will just focus fully on Him.